Sunday, October 7, 2007

Oh You give and take away.

October 2007. It's hard to believe that it's been 2 years since Kellan's birth and death. Somedays she seems like a distant memory, and other days I arrive home from work, expecting to get two hugs when I walk in the door and see 4 places set at the table.

I'm not sure, still, why God does what He does. But I'll tell you this, He doesn't do anything half-assed. (I'm sure some will be offended at that, squeamish relationships with the Lord make we want to eat nails anyway. Besides, no one reads this blog.)

Suzanne came home one afternoon from a meeting with our pastor a few months after Kellan's death. She told me that men and women grieve differently. Women grieve hard and right off the bat. Apparently men compartmentalize it and only grieve with that little drawer gets opened.

Well tonight, I suppose I went and opened that door. I so often wonder how different my life would be, had all four of Suzanne's pregnancies been successful. I wonder if we would have continued trying. I wonder how gray Suzanne's hair would be with all those youngins running around. These are questions that I don't get answers too. Everything doesn't get explained here. In fact, very little gets explained.

Lily has to be quiet at school while the teacher talks. No one explains to her why. I suppose that the last couple of years have been 'carpet time' with me and the Lord. I don't get a chance to talk and He never shuts up.

I'm excited about next year, hopefully that's a playground year.

So I better wish my lil one in heaven a good night, kiss my lil one down here good night and crawl into bed.

Drawers all shut.


Angela said...

I'm reading it, and I love the word "half-assed." :)

Scarlet Snow said...

heh. funny funny.

Angie Hipps said...

I can't believe it has been two years either. I will say that I am so thankful for Suzanne's kindness when I went through my miscarriage. I was so blessed when she came by our house and gave me "I'll Hold You in Heaven." I honestly hadn't considered that we would meet this precious child in heaven. Now Maggie and Daniel talk about meeting their borther or sister when they go to heaven. When Maggie heard "See You Soon" she said that our baby was playing with Kellan in heaven. I sure am sorry for the loss and pain that you guys have had to go through. Thanks for your friendship and honesty.

Scarlet Snow ::mike:: said...

thanks for ur kind words angie. i forwarded them on to suz who wouldn't know a blog if one landed in her lap. you guys were in our prayers after your miscarriage. ive often joked that God must like the Cowan kids, he has three of them up there. But then I look at Lily and think, "Oh my..what's wrong with this one!"


DanaLynn said...

I read this blog! (Well, at least now I do.)

=( Deep post. 4 pregnancies. Wow.

"Carpet time" sucks. There is so much we cannot understand, and yet we are given so much responsibility.