Sunday, October 7, 2007
Oh You give and take away.
October 2007. It's hard to believe that it's been 2 years since Kellan's birth and death. Somedays she seems like a distant memory, and other days I arrive home from work, expecting to get two hugs when I walk in the door and see 4 places set at the table.
I'm not sure, still, why God does what He does. But I'll tell you this, He doesn't do anything half-assed. (I'm sure some will be offended at that, squeamish relationships with the Lord make we want to eat nails anyway. Besides, no one reads this blog.)
Suzanne came home one afternoon from a meeting with our pastor a few months after Kellan's death. She told me that men and women grieve differently. Women grieve hard and right off the bat. Apparently men compartmentalize it and only grieve with that little drawer gets opened.
Well tonight, I suppose I went and opened that door. I so often wonder how different my life would be, had all four of Suzanne's pregnancies been successful. I wonder if we would have continued trying. I wonder how gray Suzanne's hair would be with all those youngins running around. These are questions that I don't get answers too. Everything doesn't get explained here. In fact, very little gets explained.
Lily has to be quiet at school while the teacher talks. No one explains to her why. I suppose that the last couple of years have been 'carpet time' with me and the Lord. I don't get a chance to talk and He never shuts up.
I'm excited about next year, hopefully that's a playground year.
So I better wish my lil one in heaven a good night, kiss my lil one down here good night and crawl into bed.
Drawers all shut.